An Ode to Savings Bonds

...sung to the tune of "Oh, Christmas Tree" (that is, if I remember the tune right...)

Oh Savings Bonds... Oh Savings Bonds...
I really do quite love you.
They said that you were so worthless,
not worth the paper printed on.
But now that the stock market has crashed
I laugh maniacally and say, "I told you so."
Oh Savings Bonds, Oh Savings Bonds,
your very worthlessness makes you worth-ful!

Okay, so I think I left out a few lines of music there, but I never really said I was a musician. And I know that none of it even rhymes, but I never said I was a poet either. I never even liked poetry. Sorry folks. It all seemed a little dull, if you ask me.

Anyway....

I was driving home from work the other day thinking how much I love savings bonds, and I thought I would share all this love with you. Especially - ahem - those who mocked my savings bond collection in their previous lives.

Yes, I have a savings bond collection. My mother bought them for me while I was growing up because there was a program at her work where they matched your contribution and it was her way of saving for college. Luckily, I got a scholarship and my savings bond collection was allowed to mildew and gather dust. Just the way I like 'em!!!

Throughout the years I would pull out my pretty savings bonds and look at them. Then I would count them. Then I would arrange them according to year, and count them again. Then I would put them back in their envelope and imagine sweet futures for them. It was quite enjoyable.

Until someone told me - gasp - that my savings bonds were worthless!

Worthless! Could it really be true?

And then they set to convincing me. (I think we can blame this on the economist in the household.) They told me it would take years for my savings bonds to reach value. They told me my money would be much better invested in the stock market (can you hear the creepy foreshadowing music playing?).

And, somehow, I came to believe them.

I traded in most of my savings bonds and bought useless first-year marriage purchases like dogs and bikes. I may have even paid rent with them. Oh the sorrow, oh the broken dreams. But luckily some of my savings bonds were not eligible for exchange, and so I kept them.

In their uselessness and worthlessness these little savings bonds were not budgeted and appropriated for our exciting two years of unemployment. No, they were ignored and relegated to early retirement in the tin box. (Hey - at least I planned on saving them from fire.)

And then, suddenly, I gained a secret obsession. Or not so secret. You see, I wanted to take E to Disneyland. Let's not mention the fact that on close questioning J will tell you that his favorite ride at Disneyland is the ride home. Let's not mention the fact that the last time I went to the lovely D-land, I mostly wandered around and said waiting in lines wasn't worth it. Oh, let's not say that. Instead, we'll relate a wonderful conversation with E.

Mom: E, what would you think if went to Disneyland and met Princess Ariel.
E: ....giggling.... That's funny, Mom.
Mom: Don't you believe me?
E: Mom, princesses are just in movies!

Wouldn't you want to prove her wrong too!!! Wouldn't you!!! Wouldn't you!!!

But what about that two-year unemployment budget? (We won't even mention the five years after that....) How does Disneyland intersect with such a thing?

Insert song:

Oh Savings Bonds... Oh Savings Bonds...
I really do quite love you.
They said that you were so worthless,
not worth the paper printed on.
But now that the stock market has crashed
I laugh maniacally and say, "I told you so."
Oh Savings Bonds, Oh Savings Bonds,
your very worthlessness makes you worth-ful!

That's right, my friends. The unappropriated, unbudgeted, "worthless" bonds that belong - he he he - only to me are taking us Disneyland this Christmas season. What a grand moment for savings bonds! Look at their pride:

Commentator: You just remembered you had a stash full of savings bond, un-impacted (is that a word) by the recent stock market crash. What will you do next?

Me: I'm going to Disneyland!!!

If only everyone had an investment savvy mother like mine. You should invest in them too!