After getting out of the car after a long ride today, I was a little grumpy and frustrated. I said such useful things as:
"stop that"
"not in the kitchen"
"stop that"
"wait A minute"
and
"stop that"
I did not say them in the nicest tones.
Later, I felt bad and said to the children:
"I am sorry I was frustrated and grumpy. Thank you for being patient with me."
Said M: "It's okay, Mom. We do that so you can learn how to be patient."
*****
At dinner E was spelling our Family Home Evening treat to Justin: "C - O - O - K - E - S."
Replied Justin: "No, it is C - O - O - C - K - I - E - S."
I couldn't help but laugh.
*****
Currently we are all dying of mercury poisoning because a lightbulb exploded at our house. What a dumb idea to put mercury in lightbulbs.
Just saying
Monday, September 26, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Do you hear that sound????
That is the sound of my mother laughing hysterically.
Oh yes.... it's a boy!
E was pretty disappointed, M was excited, and GQ looked at me like I was insane.
A baby? Where? A brother?
Now we wait for February.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
The Deep End
Ruminate with me a moment…
Carrying life is complex.
It is complex for those who wish to do it, and cannot.
And it is complex for those who can do it.
I offer this statement up front:
Neither’s complexity is capable of white-washing the difficulties of the other. Not if we’re being honest.
And by seeking to understand my own difficulties and situation, I do not diminish the difficulties or situations of others. I merely learn more of “self.”
***
I am a mother and I carry life.
I thought of this yesterday as Justin unburdened himself to me.
Justin’s life differs from my own in every way imaginable. I used to exist in a life similar to his, but even the memories that do remain after eight years are suspiciously cloudy and indistinct. I do not have hard and fast deadlines, I do not have superiors evaluating my progress, and I do not have colleagues competing with my every step.
At least, not in that way.
If I get fed-up and overworked, I leave the laundry in the basket for another day and read a book.
If I don’t want to make dinner, I pull something out of the freezer and read a book.
If I can’t stand the thought of cleaning the bathrooms, I tidy them to “ok” standards, and - yes - read a book.
Measured by my ability to control my own situation, this life seems to be one that is lived on pretty good terms.
“But!” I thought - as I considered this seeming inequality between Justin's proscribed rat-race and my own "calm jaunt"…
“But!…”
For what about that other part of it?
***
This other part is the part that mothers are told it is wrong for them to think about:
This is a strong and viable argument.
But does it mean that I deny this truth of unmeasured motherhood bounty if I acknowledge the “But!”?
Because I am a mother and I carry life.
And that is not easy.
Even if I get to read a book.
***
Inside me, a baby squirms. Justin does not get to feel this like me. What would he pay to feel this!
But he also does not think daily of another body that did not squirm or move. Nor does he lose space inside of his own body for the regular rhythms of breathing, eating, sleeping, or - oh yes, it must be said - going to the bathroom.
Inside me, a baby grows. Justin does not get to watch this happening as clearly as me. He does not get to see it poke its leg upward while he bathes, or have it wake him in the night with its own sleeping adjustments.
But he also does not pine for sleep or food like me. A twenty-four hour obsession meant to build the body-fat of that growing entity inside, while my own stores of vitamins and energy dwindle to obscurity.
And while I am one of the lucky ones who does not deal with throwing up, growing dehydrated, becoming ill, or feeling concretely crazy… these are all possible additions to this particular experience. All possible risks a mother takes to carry life.
And once the life comes?
The amazing, heart-rending life of a child?
To have your child hug you, smile at you, giggle with you, reach for you, cuddle you, call for you.
Who can describe the emotions associated with such things?
To have your child scream at you, bite you, tell you you’re mean, whine at you, demand of you, throw things at you.
Who can describe the emotions associated with such things?
***
I thought today of many mothers that I know.
Each has a different story, a different task, a different trial that she faces.
And I wondered, is it meaningful to acknowledge the load that “mother” carries, to speak of the other?
Is it a negative or a positive exercise?
Does it diminish the joy she gains as “mother”?
Does it imply she would not choose her tasks again?
Or does the truth allow a greater understanding of the task of motherhood to awaken?
I thought of the constant reminders in the Bible to the Israelites.
Reminders to remember their fathers, to remember their captivity.
Not to remember that one good day they had that one time twenty years ago.
No, they were to remember their captivity - not the good times, and then to remember the mercy of The Father to their fathers.
Always I thought that remembering the captivity only implied remembering that it ended. Always I thought the mercy came after - that the mercy came in the release from captivity.
But is that right?
Is not captivity and trial merciful???
And remembering it, acknowledging it - in the moment we have sunk to our knees in heaviness - realizing that this burden is our Father’s mercy, is his gift to help us grow - is that not what is asked for?
Not a wallowing, not a slide into depression, not a chance to list the faults and insecurities and difficulties of life.
And not because our children are a captivity - but because sometimes the trials associated with giving them life and raising them up do seem that way.
But because knowing this, seeing this, is it not a chance to see the mercies of our Father?
As they are - the joys and the pains.
And to give acknowledgment that we see it, that we know it, that we feel it.
And that we choose it.
As our mothers did.
And that we would choose it again.
Carrying life is complex.
It is complex for those who wish to do it, and cannot.
And it is complex for those who can do it.
I offer this statement up front:
Neither’s complexity is capable of white-washing the difficulties of the other. Not if we’re being honest.
And by seeking to understand my own difficulties and situation, I do not diminish the difficulties or situations of others. I merely learn more of “self.”
***
I am a mother and I carry life.
I thought of this yesterday as Justin unburdened himself to me.
Justin’s life differs from my own in every way imaginable. I used to exist in a life similar to his, but even the memories that do remain after eight years are suspiciously cloudy and indistinct. I do not have hard and fast deadlines, I do not have superiors evaluating my progress, and I do not have colleagues competing with my every step.
At least, not in that way.
If I get fed-up and overworked, I leave the laundry in the basket for another day and read a book.
If I don’t want to make dinner, I pull something out of the freezer and read a book.
If I can’t stand the thought of cleaning the bathrooms, I tidy them to “ok” standards, and - yes - read a book.
Measured by my ability to control my own situation, this life seems to be one that is lived on pretty good terms.
“But!” I thought - as I considered this seeming inequality between Justin's proscribed rat-race and my own "calm jaunt"…
“But!…”
For what about that other part of it?
***
This other part is the part that mothers are told it is wrong for them to think about:
because of the blessing, the completely immeasurable blessing of motherhood
This is a strong and viable argument.
But does it mean that I deny this truth of unmeasured motherhood bounty if I acknowledge the “But!”?
Because I am a mother and I carry life.
And that is not easy.
Even if I get to read a book.
***
Inside me, a baby squirms. Justin does not get to feel this like me. What would he pay to feel this!
But he also does not think daily of another body that did not squirm or move. Nor does he lose space inside of his own body for the regular rhythms of breathing, eating, sleeping, or - oh yes, it must be said - going to the bathroom.
Inside me, a baby grows. Justin does not get to watch this happening as clearly as me. He does not get to see it poke its leg upward while he bathes, or have it wake him in the night with its own sleeping adjustments.
But he also does not pine for sleep or food like me. A twenty-four hour obsession meant to build the body-fat of that growing entity inside, while my own stores of vitamins and energy dwindle to obscurity.
And while I am one of the lucky ones who does not deal with throwing up, growing dehydrated, becoming ill, or feeling concretely crazy… these are all possible additions to this particular experience. All possible risks a mother takes to carry life.
And once the life comes?
The amazing, heart-rending life of a child?
To have your child hug you, smile at you, giggle with you, reach for you, cuddle you, call for you.
Who can describe the emotions associated with such things?
To have your child scream at you, bite you, tell you you’re mean, whine at you, demand of you, throw things at you.
Who can describe the emotions associated with such things?
***
I thought today of many mothers that I know.
Each has a different story, a different task, a different trial that she faces.
babies gone, babies interminably awake, babies that are sick, bodies that are sick with carrying baby, bodies that are waiting for babies, or bodies that are “simply” meeting the demands and desires of baby
And I wondered, is it meaningful to acknowledge the load that “mother” carries, to speak of the other?
Is it a negative or a positive exercise?
Does it diminish the joy she gains as “mother”?
Does it imply she would not choose her tasks again?
Or does the truth allow a greater understanding of the task of motherhood to awaken?
I thought of the constant reminders in the Bible to the Israelites.
Reminders to remember their fathers, to remember their captivity.
Not to remember that one good day they had that one time twenty years ago.
No, they were to remember their captivity - not the good times, and then to remember the mercy of The Father to their fathers.
Always I thought that remembering the captivity only implied remembering that it ended. Always I thought the mercy came after - that the mercy came in the release from captivity.
But is that right?
Is not captivity and trial merciful???
And remembering it, acknowledging it - in the moment we have sunk to our knees in heaviness - realizing that this burden is our Father’s mercy, is his gift to help us grow - is that not what is asked for?
Not a wallowing, not a slide into depression, not a chance to list the faults and insecurities and difficulties of life.
And not because our children are a captivity - but because sometimes the trials associated with giving them life and raising them up do seem that way.
But because knowing this, seeing this, is it not a chance to see the mercies of our Father?
As they are - the joys and the pains.
And to give acknowledgment that we see it, that we know it, that we feel it.
And that we choose it.
As our mothers did.
And that we would choose it again.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
An Update on Laundry... and other sundry news...
When I put E in school, I wondered how I would feel about it. To me, many of the arguments for homeschooling make sense, and so it was difficult for me to let them go and send her off. And while some of those arguments still make sense to me and I often tell Justin that I'm still slightly irritated by the whole thing, there have been some great benefits as well.
One worry I had was that I - personally - would become school dependant. As in "here's my family, please, take them away." I thought I might be pre-disposed to this because my life has not been a life of loving children. I love my children, I like teaching ballet. Do I love children in general? Um, not so much. When Laura and I used to run kids' camps in the summer, they all loved her. I was the one that told them to behave. So, I worried I might appreciate school too much. Instead, I wanted to be one of those mothers who is ready for her children to come home and to go on vacation. I just wasn't sure how it would all come out.
On Monday, E woke up with a case of the hives. And I found - to my relief - that I was so excited to have her home with us. Other than visiting the Dr. to make sure we were safe to return to school and host four ballet classes the next day, we played outside, made a craft, and read books. And M and GQ loved having their big sister around. It was a really great day, and I was soooo glad.
Other benefits to school time include a big positive upswing in M's behavior. Now that E is not around, M gets to be the one who is good at cleaning up, good at obeying, good at helping, good at being an example. It's like she's just been waiting for the chance. I am so glad we've got to see this side of her.
I also love watching the reunion after school. I love watching M and GQ run up to E and give her big hugs. I love how they yell at her as soon as she steps out of the door. I love that E gets to see that they actually love her and that they don't spend their days plotting ways to irritate her or steal her favorite toys. I love that E picks library books at school that she thinks M and GQ would enjoy so that she can come home and read to them. I love that M won't let me leave the school grounds in the morning until the bell has rung and E has gone inside (helicopter sibling instead of parent.) It has been wonderful to watch them all show their love for each other.
It has also been great to watch E make friends. To see her give hugs to other 5 year olds she's known for 10 minutes. To race up and down the hills with them and look for berries with them and - hey, this is E, you know - boss them around. I've also been glad to hear that she can be a good example to them by telling them to include other children. I'm glad she gets a chance to go out there and make decisions on her own. She is growing up.
So, school has been good in many ways. Although I am still highly irritated by full-day kindergarten, and I still resent her long hours away, we are gaining good things too.
*****
In other news, after going almost 80 years - I am sure - without buying new shoes because I am:
a) too lazy to look around when I go shopping
b) too frightened to spend any useful money
c) too picky to settle down on something
I found my favorite shoes - that cost WAY too much - on sale for "buy one get one free" and bought WAY too many pairs.
Yes, they are all the same.
But they are lots of different colors.
Yes, they are summer shoes.
No, I just won't go outside this winter.
E and M quite enjoyed trying them all on. E was glad I FINALLY bought some shiny shoes that were actually pretty. In fact, she put on a whole FHE about not stealing with my shoes lined up in a row. It went like this:
E would point to the black pair - which I wear most often because they match - and say:
"I have money for this ugly pair of shoes."
Then she would point to the silver pair - which I have not actually had the guts to wear and only bought because they were "free" - and say.
"But I want these beautiful shoes that are too expensive."
Then, she took turns pretending to either steal them, or make do by buying the ugly shoes.
M and GQ preferred the stealing scenario... apparently it was much more interesting to watch.
*****
Also, in answer to questions:
1. The walking post was not meant to announce the new baby. I hate announcements and decided to just not pretend I wasn't pregnant. (Besides, it kept me from sounding too lazy in my refusal to pick GQ up and carry him when he fell.)
2. I do not know if the baby is a girl or a boy. I think it is a girl. My mother says she will laugh hysterically at me when it turns out to be a boy. We do find out on Thursday.
*****
Since Libbi says I am "mean, mean, mean" to make GQ walk all the way to school, I would like you all to know that I did get M and GQ to agree not to fight and we now take turns with the stroller.
Now M complains about being cold, which means I let her wear her heavy coat today even though it was merely long-sleeve weather.
Since she had her warm coat on, she complained that her head hurt.
*****
Justin is going out of town this weekend... to Utah.... by himself.
I am going to go buy as many cookies at Barnes and Noble as I want and eat them all.
*****
the end
One worry I had was that I - personally - would become school dependant. As in "here's my family, please, take them away." I thought I might be pre-disposed to this because my life has not been a life of loving children. I love my children, I like teaching ballet. Do I love children in general? Um, not so much. When Laura and I used to run kids' camps in the summer, they all loved her. I was the one that told them to behave. So, I worried I might appreciate school too much. Instead, I wanted to be one of those mothers who is ready for her children to come home and to go on vacation. I just wasn't sure how it would all come out.
On Monday, E woke up with a case of the hives. And I found - to my relief - that I was so excited to have her home with us. Other than visiting the Dr. to make sure we were safe to return to school and host four ballet classes the next day, we played outside, made a craft, and read books. And M and GQ loved having their big sister around. It was a really great day, and I was soooo glad.
Other benefits to school time include a big positive upswing in M's behavior. Now that E is not around, M gets to be the one who is good at cleaning up, good at obeying, good at helping, good at being an example. It's like she's just been waiting for the chance. I am so glad we've got to see this side of her.
I also love watching the reunion after school. I love watching M and GQ run up to E and give her big hugs. I love how they yell at her as soon as she steps out of the door. I love that E gets to see that they actually love her and that they don't spend their days plotting ways to irritate her or steal her favorite toys. I love that E picks library books at school that she thinks M and GQ would enjoy so that she can come home and read to them. I love that M won't let me leave the school grounds in the morning until the bell has rung and E has gone inside (helicopter sibling instead of parent.) It has been wonderful to watch them all show their love for each other.
It has also been great to watch E make friends. To see her give hugs to other 5 year olds she's known for 10 minutes. To race up and down the hills with them and look for berries with them and - hey, this is E, you know - boss them around. I've also been glad to hear that she can be a good example to them by telling them to include other children. I'm glad she gets a chance to go out there and make decisions on her own. She is growing up.
So, school has been good in many ways. Although I am still highly irritated by full-day kindergarten, and I still resent her long hours away, we are gaining good things too.
*****
In other news, after going almost 80 years - I am sure - without buying new shoes because I am:
a) too lazy to look around when I go shopping
b) too frightened to spend any useful money
c) too picky to settle down on something
I found my favorite shoes - that cost WAY too much - on sale for "buy one get one free" and bought WAY too many pairs.
Yes, they are all the same.
But they are lots of different colors.
Yes, they are summer shoes.
No, I just won't go outside this winter.
E and M quite enjoyed trying them all on. E was glad I FINALLY bought some shiny shoes that were actually pretty. In fact, she put on a whole FHE about not stealing with my shoes lined up in a row. It went like this:
E would point to the black pair - which I wear most often because they match - and say:
"I have money for this ugly pair of shoes."
Then she would point to the silver pair - which I have not actually had the guts to wear and only bought because they were "free" - and say.
"But I want these beautiful shoes that are too expensive."
Then, she took turns pretending to either steal them, or make do by buying the ugly shoes.
M and GQ preferred the stealing scenario... apparently it was much more interesting to watch.
*****
Also, in answer to questions:
1. The walking post was not meant to announce the new baby. I hate announcements and decided to just not pretend I wasn't pregnant. (Besides, it kept me from sounding too lazy in my refusal to pick GQ up and carry him when he fell.)
2. I do not know if the baby is a girl or a boy. I think it is a girl. My mother says she will laugh hysterically at me when it turns out to be a boy. We do find out on Thursday.
*****
Since Libbi says I am "mean, mean, mean" to make GQ walk all the way to school, I would like you all to know that I did get M and GQ to agree not to fight and we now take turns with the stroller.
Now M complains about being cold, which means I let her wear her heavy coat today even though it was merely long-sleeve weather.
Since she had her warm coat on, she complained that her head hurt.
*****
Justin is going out of town this weekend... to Utah.... by himself.
I am going to go buy as many cookies at Barnes and Noble as I want and eat them all.
*****
the end
Monday, September 19, 2011
Lame
As far as E's birthday party post goes... this is pretty lame. Not only is it very behind schedule, but I also failed to take any useful pictures. Something about 12 little six-year-olds blew it right out of my mind. So, if you want to see my decorated house - with streamers, since a tall friend happened by at a very useful time - you are out of luck.
I did take a few pictures of the cake:
Since two years ago E's purple cake turned out brown, and last year I only made her cinnamon rolls... this rainbow cake was a big improvement. Unfortunately, I forgot to take a picture of it frosted with the cool candles I couldn't help but buy.
Here's all the kids eating cake and ice-cream... oh wait, just cake. Yes, Justin and I chickened out on the ice-cream because we were running out of time anyway. I also left the juice in the fridge and claimed I "only had water." I ought to be jailed for party ruination.
Did I take pictures of E opening her presents? Or any picture of E other than this one? Nope. Talent, I tell you, talent.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Wilson's Apple Orchard on E's Birthday
Riding the tractor.... It was not really that cold, my kids just like to wear their hats up. Actually it was perfect weather for an orchard.
Unfortunately it was tricky business finding apples that were ripe... I think we were a week too early.
We had a great time, and really enjoyed our apple cider doughnuts afterward. They came by the half-dozen, so we wondered what we would do with the extra. E suggested we give it to the baby - since once they caught me eating two desserts and I claimed the second wasn't for me at all. This made me feel a little guilty since they really think that one of my treats gets eaten by the baby instead of me. We ended up giving most of the extra to E for her birthday. Justin and I my or may not have taken a bite.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Because I figure every once in a while we should take a family photo...
and - on the upside - there's proof that I actually exist.
Also pictured in this photo:
GQ's tie. He loves it. He got it for his birthday and is so excited when he is allowed to wear it that threats like: "If you don't stop screaming (in sacrament meeting) I will take your tie off" actually work. FOR REAL.
Grandma Rigby's old dress from the costume box. I finally found a sweater that matches and I am loving my new/old dress.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
All Grown Up
Look at this six-year-old that showed up on my doorstep:
Can anyone tell me what happened to this baby I started out with??????
Because I cannot believe it!!!!!!!!
We love her soooo much.
Of course M and GQ had to pose a little too:
Happy Birthday E!!!!!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes
And what is it that is making these two gentleman so happy????????
That's right.... football. Justin switched our internet and used some money from a side job to buy himself a fancy computer screen, all so this could happen regularly at my house.
This Saturday a huge thunderstorm almost cheated him of it... but never fear.... football prevailed.
GQ is so happy he can hardly contain himself. Little brainwashed fellow.
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